Is Santa a Creepy Guy?

I always thought he was a pretty cool guy when I was a kid, and I never got the famed ‘coal in the stocking.’ He always brought me delightful presents -amazingly, the exact ones I wanted. Psychic, omnipresent, jolly, self-confident about his weight, crisp, clean uniform that only he can wear, happy elf-creatures making toys (how they can get all the brand names right, I will never know), a loving wife, loves milk and chocolate chip cookies – even asks for carrots to keep his reindeer happy. I mean, who wouldn’t like the guy?

But then there’s that warning song, let’s take a look.

 

You better watch out
You better not cry

My brother broke his arm falling out of a tree when he was six. He cried. I begged him to stop – I mean, that meant no presents – or more selfishly – that he would take all mine. Santa can’t cut a break for a broken arm?

Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

I didn’t comprehend the pout thing in my early years, so that was a strange threat that I didn’t understand, but still, it was a warning not to be taken lightly.

He's making a list
And checking it twice

Gonna find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

Now Santa has been around for a while. Didn’t have the luxury of a MacBook Pro like me. That’s gotta be a long list. And if he can remember all the kids, addresses (no mapquest for Santa), toy requests - why does he need a list of names? And who is he to judge naughty or nice? And isn’t there an in between there? A little room to be both. You are lumped in with bullies and shoplifters, when you just didn’t do your homework a few times? How do you know how to get on the nice list?

He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you're awake

Hey Santa, there are laws in most states about that. You can’t just look in my windows, that is my private time. And if I want to stay up and read a book with a flashlight under the covers, that’s my business.

And awake? Are you stalking me on the way to school? Following my habits? How do you do the list, check it twice, order the elves around, make sure the reindeer are well fed for their one night journey around the earth, and still keep an eye on me getting on the school bus? I am a little afraid of you now.

He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Again with the judgment. Bad or good. There are some ambiguities there too, no? He is sounding a little bit God-like, although the robe and sandals wouldn’t work in the cold weather. And goodness sake? Isn’t that a little self-serving for goodness, and what does it actually mean and who defines ‘good?’ So many unanswered questions.

Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

OK, now he just sounds like the KGB. You better watch out, he is coming to town? He is peeking in my windows and now I need to live by his self-proclaimed rules?

I think Santa should clean up his act a bit. I am disturbed that he is peering in my windows at night, rifling through my stuff and watching every move I make just to pass judgment on me.

Oh, Santa, can’t you just bring me the damn presents and stay away the other 364 days? Ok, if you want to get all math on me, technically, according to the Gregorian calendar there are 365.2425 days in a year, but let’s keep it simple.