The Nation’s Fastest. Period.

That’s AT&T’s new tagline. Or at least one they are playing with in the NYC area. I feel so bad for all of you that don’t have AT&T, I mean, really sorry. Because my iPhone over the AT&T network is just so lightning fast. I can get to a website in about 5 minutes. And the coverage, well, let’s just say it must be at least 10% no matter where I go! And if I am right under a tower, my call usually goes through on the first try and with that tower proximity, the chances of the call being dropped, only 50%!

That’s why I feel so sorry for the rest of you. It must be like you are using a rotary phone and a dial-up connection. Imagine the speed and service I mention above. You could have that too! Just think about having less than half your calls dropped in the middle of a conversation. Wouldn’t that be amazing! Imagine getting an email in less than five tries. It’s almost like I have some futuristic device and network.

It’s like being in a new time travel machine that only has one button…present.

In case my sarcasm wasn’t clear, AT&T sucks, at least in New York.

Ten Things You Really Need to Know About Working at an Ad Agency

Advertising agencies are best described as magnets. There are always two opposing ends - always. (Did I say always? Yes, always, or if it better suits you, invariably, eternally, till blue in the face, till cows come home, till hell freezes over, or just always.) And you will instantly, sometimes unknowingly, be polarized to the attracting or repelling pole of that magnet.

And in this brief, condensed… concise, short, and succinct list, I will attempt to explain what many others have done, some annihilating the explanation, some overly, verbosely describing it, and others explaining it far more eloquently than I could hope to accomplish. So here it goes.

But wait, one little disclaimer. I won’t repeat this every time, there is no common ground, middle room. Just like the computer you are working on, made up of 1’s and 0’s, you are one or the other. Nothing else.

1. It will be the job you hate most or love most.

2. It will involve the people you will grow to love or hate the most.

3. One day will be like walking into heaven, the next day will be dancing around the worst hell your mind could ever imagine.

4. The people that pay the bills (your clients), are people you will either respect or abhor.

5. The work you do will inspire you beyond belief, or drive a knife through your very soul (if you can find that damn thing).

6. Your friends will ignore your irrepressible passion, or embrace your loathing.

7. Your mind will develop into a fortress, or a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

8. You will ride on the subway or bus, or you will drive your 7 Series BMW.

9. Your heart and life will be an open book, or a Pandora’s box that you eternally wonder why you opened it.

10. You will create something, or you will create nothing.

But in the end, even though both sides of the magnet have the exact same attraction, I think you will probably end up on the positive side.

So it’s Monday. If you work in advertising, you are either smiling, or packing (and not a box reference, a postal reference).

Is Santa a Creepy Guy?

I always thought he was a pretty cool guy when I was a kid, and I never got the famed ‘coal in the stocking.’ He always brought me delightful presents -amazingly, the exact ones I wanted. Psychic, omnipresent, jolly, self-confident about his weight, crisp, clean uniform that only he can wear, happy elf-creatures making toys (how they can get all the brand names right, I will never know), a loving wife, loves milk and chocolate chip cookies – even asks for carrots to keep his reindeer happy. I mean, who wouldn’t like the guy?

But then there’s that warning song, let’s take a look.

 

You better watch out
You better not cry

My brother broke his arm falling out of a tree when he was six. He cried. I begged him to stop – I mean, that meant no presents – or more selfishly – that he would take all mine. Santa can’t cut a break for a broken arm?

Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

I didn’t comprehend the pout thing in my early years, so that was a strange threat that I didn’t understand, but still, it was a warning not to be taken lightly.

He's making a list
And checking it twice

Gonna find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

Now Santa has been around for a while. Didn’t have the luxury of a MacBook Pro like me. That’s gotta be a long list. And if he can remember all the kids, addresses (no mapquest for Santa), toy requests - why does he need a list of names? And who is he to judge naughty or nice? And isn’t there an in between there? A little room to be both. You are lumped in with bullies and shoplifters, when you just didn’t do your homework a few times? How do you know how to get on the nice list?

He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you're awake

Hey Santa, there are laws in most states about that. You can’t just look in my windows, that is my private time. And if I want to stay up and read a book with a flashlight under the covers, that’s my business.

And awake? Are you stalking me on the way to school? Following my habits? How do you do the list, check it twice, order the elves around, make sure the reindeer are well fed for their one night journey around the earth, and still keep an eye on me getting on the school bus? I am a little afraid of you now.

He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

Again with the judgment. Bad or good. There are some ambiguities there too, no? He is sounding a little bit God-like, although the robe and sandals wouldn’t work in the cold weather. And goodness sake? Isn’t that a little self-serving for goodness, and what does it actually mean and who defines ‘good?’ So many unanswered questions.

Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

OK, now he just sounds like the KGB. You better watch out, he is coming to town? He is peeking in my windows and now I need to live by his self-proclaimed rules?

I think Santa should clean up his act a bit. I am disturbed that he is peering in my windows at night, rifling through my stuff and watching every move I make just to pass judgment on me.

Oh, Santa, can’t you just bring me the damn presents and stay away the other 364 days? Ok, if you want to get all math on me, technically, according to the Gregorian calendar there are 365.2425 days in a year, but let’s keep it simple.

Writer's Block Results

The results are in from my writer’s block post and poll. As I figured, you all have multiple personalities, not unlike me. It was a tie between the real question, and the totally sarcastic ‘around the block’ answer. The sarcastic one was there for humor, which many of you jumped on, and I do appreciate taking advantage of that trampoline opportunity. But surprisingly, not many of you voted that ‘writer’s block’ wasn’t a real issue.

Despite the sarcasm in my post, I do in fact believe it is a condition that happens to all of us that try to write consistently. It just happens, no explanation. It isn’t an excuse, it is a total lock-up of the mind. It does happen.

So thanks for voting and participating. And I won’t end with anything clever, ingenious, talented, quick-witted, smart, gifted, apt, or funny. I am inured to bow down to common sense.

Writer’s block…insists… I mean exists…naw, persists…nope, gets me pissed…no, that’s not it…I am trying to rhyme but can’t resist?... tis a consummation. Devoutly to be wished.

It's Your Body

I won’t tell you the place, cause it is kinda crazy but imagine this…

“We would like you to lease your body, a revolutionary way of advertising! You agree to wear temporary tattoos (logos) supplied by Advertisers.”

And no, I didn’t make it up. It’s a real thing.

Well, we have a few pros going here. For the potential medium (in advertising terms), it is great. You have the space and it costs you absolutely nothing (soul is not counted here). For the space, although limited by your physical size, you do have the ability to be creative based on your body type. And that doesn’t mean you have to have a ripped, smokin’ hot body. That is the beauty of it, open to everyone, the stranger the body type, the better!

A huge beer gut could attract either end of the advertiser spectrum, lose weight now - or beer or fried chicken. Imagine the (horror) attention you would draw when you ripped off that XXL ‘I’m with stupid’ T-shirt, to show off your tat that said, “This Belly Built by KFC.” Or an ad for a TV show, “Biggest Loser.”

I could go to the dark side here with a ripped female and say, “Doritos this way,” but I just couldn’t go there. I guess Pepsi already did kinda do that with one memorable Super Bowl spot.

So it made me think a little, which takes some effort when mired down in our current advertising muck. Maybe I should do a market test. Maybe seek out people to tattoo my blog address on their body. Creative places of course earn more money (just like traditional media costs). I do want to keep it somewhat clean, so let’s not get too crazy. Submit your ideas via posts or email.

If my test market works, you will see a major casting call on this blog. The possibilities are endless, so to speak. A few examples to get you thinking of the tats and the places…

McDonalds:  “I’m Lovin It” back tattoo pointed down ala Juicy.

Milk: “Got Milk?” Obvious placement.

Shampoo (any): “I did this using Walmart Generic Shampoo.” Placement, forehead. Brand: Any hair product.

Ironically, this is selling your body for money, but the prostitution laws clearly don’t cover this one. Nor will the lawmakers touch it. Can you imagine Nancy Pelosi with a “Bad Plastic Surgery Day?” tat on her forehead, and “Call 1-800 – 555-5555 and don’t let this happen to you.”

I think it will make me millions. Well, maybe not, better stick to my day job.

Of course the only negative aspect is if you get paid the premium to get a permanent tat, and the company changes its campaign, then you are doubly screwed. But they don’t change slogans or themes, right, that would be against the advertising continuity argument. Hmmm, let’s see (according to Wikipedia)…Pepsi…

• 1939–1950: "Twice as Much for a Nickel"
• 1950: "More Bounce to the Ounce"
• 1950–1957: "Any Weather is Pepsi Weather"
• 1957–1958: "Say Pepsi, Please"
• 1958–1961: "Be Sociable, Have a Pepsi"
• 1961-1963: "Now It's Pepsi for Those Who Think Young"
• 1963–1967: "Come Alive, You're in the Pepsi Generation"
• 1967–1969: "(Taste that beats the others cold) Pepsi Pours It On".
• 1969–1975: "You've Got a Lot to Live, and Pepsi's Got a Lot to Give"
• 1975–1977: "Have a Pepsi Day"
• 1977–1980: "Join the Pepsi People (Feeling Free)"
• 1980–1981: "Catch That Pepsi Spirit”
• 1981–1983: "Pepsi's got your taste for life"
• 1983: "It's cheaper than Coke!"
• 1983–1984: "Pepsi Now! Take the Challenge!"
• 1984–1991: "Pepsi. The Choice of a New Generation"
• 1984-1988: "Diet Pepsi. The Choice of a New Generation"
• 1988-1989: "Diet Pepsi. The Taste That's Generations Ahead"
• 1989-1990: "Diet Pepsi. The Right One"
• 1989-1992: "Diet Pepsi. The Taste That Beats Diet Coke"
• 1986–1987: "We've Got The Taste"
• 1987–1990: "Pepsi's Cool"
• 1990–1991: "You got the right one Baby UH HUH"
• 1991–1992: "Gotta Have It"/"Chill Out"
• 1992–1993: "Be Young, Have Fun, Drink Pepsi"
• 1993–1994: "Right Now"
• 1995: "Nothing Else is a Pepsi"
• 1995–1996: "Drink Pepsi. Get Stuff.”
• 1997–1998: "Generation Next"
• 1998–1999: "It's the cola"
• 1999–2000: "For Those Who Think Young
• 2003: "It's the Cola"/"Dare for More"
• 2006–2007: "Why You Doggin' Me"/"Taste the one that's forever young"
• 2007–2008: "More Happy"/"Taste the once that's forever young”
• 2008: "Pepsi Stuff"
• 2008: "Рepsi is #1"
• 2008–present: "Something For Everyone"
• 2009–present: "Refresh Everything"/"Every Generation Refreshes the World"
• 2010–present: "Every Pepsi Refreshes The World"

Gotta have a pretty large body to do all those red "X" marks and replace with the next slogan. More on the cola wars to come, I promise. But let’s see those tat ideas!

The Complexity of Simplicity

Two simple words. New. Improved.

You’ve heard it, seen it, hundreds of times - classic ad line. New and Improved. But yet, how? The basic, core definitions — without getting too much into the various forms and alternate definitions — that we all assume are…

  

New: of recent origin, production, purchase, etc.; having but lately of recent origin, production, purchase, etc.

Improve: to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.

How can one thing be both? Yet we have accepted this description to buy many products over the years. But isn’t it inherently just wrong? I would argue if something is new, by definition, it can’t be improved, because, well, it is just a ‘new’ thing. If something is improved, you have taken the old thing and made it better. Right? Am I missing something here?

Let’s take my blog here as an example. At one time it was simply new. It will never be that thing again. I am constantly trying to improve it, for you, my faithful and ‘new’ readers, and to some of you, it will be new to you, but as a thing, it was only new once. You can only be new once. You can be different, or you can copy a product and for you (or your company) it will truly be new. But again, the newness becomes old at the exact moment it is new. And you can’t improve that new thing, you can only make it different.

Now I agree, New and Different isn’t very catchy or attractive. “New’ is just a little boring by itself. ‘Improved,’ well that just doesn’t say enough now, does it? So someone in the Mad Men era put the two together, and now it is a default brand positioning statement for many brands. Ludicrous in a way if you really think about it.

So I plead with all of you advertisers out there, don’t assume as consumers we are all that naïve or just plain stupid.

I am aware that others have recognized this common, misleading idea. So my thoughts here aren’t original or new, but they are the thoughts I bring you today.

Please keep reading my blog, for it will be improved as we go, but it will never truly be new again. And it truly and impossibly will never be, ‘New and Improved!’

All about the Mes

OK, I have writer’s block. Oh no, please don’t feel sorry for me. It’s a real condition according to several psychologists. How they can write about writer’s block is a little tough for me to comprehend. Isn’t that like telling someone who knows how to ride a bike that sometimes they can’t, yet you can’t actually tell them that because you aren’t able to, regardless of whether they can still get on the bike and just ride away? I admit, a little bit of a confusing analogy, but after all, I do have ‘writer’s block.’

So forgive my lack of words. I guess technically, by definition alone, nothing written above or below this actually exists due to my condition. I guess I am channeling deep into my schizophrenia to even be able to type right now. And quite frankly, ‘Me number 2’ kinda scares me sometimes. So I guess I am writing as Me number 2, so please, don’t pay attention. Me number 1 is quite interesting at times, but I don’t understand him much. And when he gets writer’s block, well, he doesn’t communicate much at all.

Now Me 3, he is the real entertainer. Can write, can sing, dance, play guitar, piano, harmonica, and also keep astounding beat on a fairly mean drum machine. That of course, is if Me 1 and 2 just let him be. But after all, none of us know each other, so I guess it really doesn’t matter all that much.

As Me 2, I too, am afraid to write. (Try and work the three twos into one nine word sentence like that!) Which does make things even more confusing, that is if you are keeping up with one of me.

But come on, is ‘writer’s block’ really real? Arguably, if you can speak, you can write it down. So if asked to explain your writer’s block in written words, by definition, it would be impossible, right? You could only explain it, and if the person you were explaining it to were, let’s say be deaf, you would have to write it out for them. Wouldn’t that be an instant cure? Is there such a thing as ‘speaker’s block?’  My guess is no. But wouldn't that be a dream come true if it became an epidemic in the Washington DC area?

Alas, I digress. I am here to argue that there is no such thing as this so called 'writer's block.' It is an oxymoron of sorts. I am sure many would disagree with this assessment. And that is fair, if you do, please write to me and explain it. Oh sorry, you couldn’t do that I guess.

Writing is one of the three fundamental ‘R’s’ of our education right? Well, I guess they didn’t get that right either (Reading, Writing, Arithmetic). That would be RWA one would think. But not that catchy like OCD or ADD, so I guess they just went with the bastardized alliteration.

So I am trying to explain the three mes, although there is no plural of me, that word is we. But how can mes be we if there is only one me? Are you confused yet? I better let Me 1 finish this. (Apparently, he is suddenly cured).

Me 1 here. I think writer’s block is simply procrastination. Don’t get all Psycho on me and try to explain it, it really just is. And boy, it is a great excuse, cause by definition, you don’t really have to explain it now, do you?

According to the really smart people out there, writer’s block is real. So USE IT! Next time you have to write anything, just simply go with writer’s block. Tons of articles you can Google about it. And you can’t get fired for it, cause after all, it is a real condition.

When your next deadline is approaching,  and you just don’t want to do what you have to do, simply use the writer’s block excuse. You can’t be fired for it, or you would have a nice, juicy lawsuit on your hands.

I’m sorry, gotta run. Me 2 and 3 are really fighting inside my head, and someone has to send them a memo or something. Sucks for Me 1, given my condition and all.

And quite frankly, I just can’t think of anything else to write.

Copying is Just a Bad Idea

I once had this client, they thought they were going to revolutionize an industry. It was actually just one Marketing Manager trying to push through an idea. But in reality the idea was just replicating what other industries had already done. Sure it works sometimes, if your idea is one step above, improved, better somehow.

But not this one. Just a straight rip off. This was a major corporation and just one person pushing through an idea. A bad idea. I know everyone internally (as well as those of us at the agency) knew it was a bad idea. Still, this one person had the power to push it through. Millions and millions of dollars in product R & D, no consumer market research, just an industry hack, pushing, selling, talking the idea up the chain of command.

In the end, the product was a complete failure. No surprise there, and sorry, I can’t mention it by name.

But I did learn that being original is important. You can study what others have done well. You can do the research. You can actually see if there is a real consumer need. Yet in this case, none of this was done. Amazing how some big corporations can invest in a stupid, plagiarized idea, and let it be developed and marketed by the strength of one individual (albeit, a misguided one in this case), and not take the time to really do any testing.

Well, I sensed it was doomed, but our job wasn’t to judge. They didn’t want to hear anything negative about this product. We just had to create the advertising and try to market a product that was obviously going to be a failure. We did fight it, but it was useless after the millions had been spent to develop the product.

Never copy an idea. See what is out there and try to make it better, or better yet, be original. Don’t spend OPM (other people’s money), if you wouldn’t truly invest your own money in that idea. That is the one single thing that will make you most valuable in your job.

Try and be original. It isn’t really that hard. You just have to take the time to think, research, plan and of course, bounce your ideas off of those you trust, and then react, develop, create.

If you work for a major corporation or even a minor one, first review your idea and believe in it as though you were investing your life savings in it. If you go through that process first, you truly will be successful.

At least that is my opinion. Would love your thoughts on this one…

Sad Story

As sometimes happens, my blogs have just a thin strand of hair relating them to advertising. As does this one. This is a lesson. But don’t get bored just yet. Indulge me.

I wrote a book, not promoting it here. It was a work of fiction. Turned out okay - not great, but some people liked it. Very green, and not the kinda "Earth" green, but naïve green. Despite that, it did OK. Was my first experience, and I was determined. Took about a year between writing and editing. After that experience, I was ready to take on a new story.

I was so excited, encouraged. Had the greatest idea, and was completely enthused to write about it. I was in LA at the time, had about a week between meetings and photo shoots for downtime. All alone. Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica (one of the greatest hotels you can find). I decided to take the week and write. Strict regiment. I had read about how several authors dedicated themselves to their craft, and decided that holed up in an ocean front room in Santa Monica could be the perfect place to write. Well, Baywatch did take place on that beach, but won’t go there.

So I only had my laptop, and a bunch of time. I worked for a large agency and bills weren’t an issue. Room service, ocean in front of me, feet propped up on my balcony. Writing.

I thought I had a really good idea. I devoted myself to it. Got up at 5:00AM each morning, wrote till noon. Took a break and walked down the boardwalk to Venice Beach, hung out by the pool at the hotel for an hour, then back to work.

Although I do have several friends in LA, I decided this was time to focus. No playtime at night. Casual dinner around the pool or one of the nearby restaurants, but then right back to writing. I had a goal of a certain amount of words per day. And unlike my first book, I decided to edit each chapter so in the end, it would be a little cleaner for my final editor.

It was a great experience. Ideas were flowing, I charted out the entire plot. Completely dedicated and I do admit, a little obsessed. Every day, writing became my self imposed job. I loved it. Nothing mattered (other than the gorgeous view of the ocean which I took advantage of every few minutes or so). I can type and think without looking at the keyboard, which removes you in a trancelike state. Staring at the ocean and writing – it doesn’t get much better than that. It was Heaven on Earth for me.

By the time I was at LAX, waiting for my flight back to NY, I had a natural high. About 1/3 of the book was done, and I really liked it. I was proud that I found it in myself to channel the discipline to focus and write for a week straight.

I was ready to go back to NY, wake up every day again at 5:00AM and write for 3 hours before work. The ideas were there, bombarding my mind, like a drug. Even charged up the laptop so I could write on the plane.

I am in the security line, self-assured and living the book in my own mind. Disconnected from real life, I dropped my laptop. Macs are pretty tough, and I thought nothing of it. I got on the plane and there it was, the famous Mac '?" that told me the drive was damaged. I hadn’t backed it up. My Mac had never failed me before.

Yet there it was. Damaged. And I knew what that meant. Depression set in. I couldn’t even remember how I had crafted the story, I was distraught, couldn’t sleep on the plane.

Those of you in NYC know Tekserve is the place to go. After getting off the plane, I went straight there, luggage in tow. I needed my story. About a week later I found out that data recovery wasn’t an option. I was crushed. I devoted so much time and energy, could see in my mind how the book would play out.

But it was lost. Gone forever. I just didn’t have the heart to even try and rewrite it. It had been a monumental week for me, writing about 12 hours a day. And it was gone. Gone. Lost. Destroyed.

And no, I didn’t back it up.

I wanted to cry, but being a man, that wouldn’t be right, right? So I slammed the Tekserve person’s head against the glass (well, not really). But I was just angry. Hated myself for it. Couldn’t find it inside to start again. It was lost forever.

To tie this into my advertising blog, I can only say, BACK UP EVERYTHING. Now I have Time Machine on the Mac, so that works. But if you have an idea and you work at it, feel that you tapped into your own creative genius - back it up.

And don’t feel sorry for me, there are plenty of ideas to write about, but just take this simple advice, back up your hard drive every single day!

That is ad guy’s advice to you on this random Saturday.

A Horse is a Horse of Course, of Course

The old saying, ‘You can’t beat (or flog) a dead horse’ is credited to an 1867 British Politician, namely John Bright. It mostly translates to a hopeless issue, and is still with us almost 150 years later. Not my main point, but interesting how certain phrases just live on.

My point today is, the blandness of Holiday retail advertising. I mean, come on, how is it that every year, every store has a 50% off sale at Christmas? Of course  the marketing strategy is clear, and I realize most Holidays bring some sort of sale, but look around, hard to find a store that isn’t advertising 50% off at least something in December.

So my question is, are we all that stupid? As consumers, aren’t they just ‘beating the dead horse’ every year? (Which is far more acceptable than beating a live horse).

You could think about this in a few ways. One would be, shouldn’t I just wait until December to buy everything, because it is gonna be half what I would pay any other time of year? Another way would be to consider the fact that the stores are actually losing money and need your business that desperately.

Of course both lines of thinking are incorrect. It is just simply a way to get you into a particular store. That’s it. Not complicated, not based on inventory or special deals from their supply chain. Simply get you into the store. Not to say you might not find a good deal here or there, but that is the strategy.

I am just a little bored with it. I mean, can’t we get a little more creative? Maybe Santa crashes and a bunch of stray Squinkies ended up in the parking lot? And yes, Squinkies are one of the hot toys this year. Or maybe Your Presence is Needed for our Presents? Foreign Dissatisfied Elf Faction Sweat Shop creates incredible supply? I don’t know, just anything different? Maybe add a little creativity to the equation instead of a bold font and 50% OFF!

I would love to see that. It would truly be a horse of a different color.